The Onion’s gift guide:

Chef Mario’s Dining Disasters: Stretchghetti & Critters ($1)

So how exactly does a tiny dish filled with rubbery fake spaghetti and little plastic rats and roaches constitute a “toy?” How do you play with it, exactly? Do you ditch the “critters” and fling the “stretchghetti” around? Re-enact scenes from Ratatouille? And what should we make of the package’s warning: “Do not leave stretchghetti on wood, fabric or other porous materials?” What alien civilization has foisted this abomination upon us, and how are they going to use it to control our young? One thing’s for sure: Chef Mario’s bound to lose a Michelin star over this.